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OK men, I'm going to give this another try. I know sometimes we don't want to talk, but I have been wanting to finish this book from men to women, to try and share all the things we may not be able to say.

I did not want the entire book to come from me, so I am asking for anonymous submissions from men (no names will be included), in the form of a letter. I want you to share to your mother, sister, wife, daughter, or any woman in your life that you have loved, you have left, you have wronged, or just wanted to tell them to go to hell!

This is an opportunity to free yourself and help someone else.

Inbox, email, message, whatever... It's about that time!

Laugh your way to a better marriage Part 1

The Art of Marriage Teaser

Sticks and Stones...

Do you remember your childhood days, having fun, playing games with your friends, and then all-of-a-sudden... someone's feelings are hurt? Something is said or done and is taken offensively, even if it was an accident or an unintended word. We would often hear the declaration that, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, now that you are an adult and have have many hurtful experiences since then, you know that to be not so true. Words Do Hurt!


Tuesdays are the days we attempt to post articles, stories, and encouragement for our couples. Most times it seems that it mainly supports the women, (but we try and keep things even). Sooooo.... today I want to drop a little nugget, word of wisdom, input from the oracle to help women when it comes to the man in their lives.

This is a very simple, but powerful act. Are you ready ladies? Well, here goes. When you are making a request from a man, do your best to use "W"s instead of "C"s.

Of course you are saying, "WHAT!" "What in the world are they talking about?" "This is idiotic!" "You can't do better than that Mr.?" Just give me a minute to explain.

When you ask a question like, "Can you please take out the trash?" even though you added the secret password, "please" to your very valid request, there is a negative ringtone that goes off in his head. "Honey, could you please remember to pick up your clothes off the floor?" Even this sounds harmless to the female ear. And of course you are being as nice as you can be; calmly restraining yourself, to keep from catching a case and sending him in the ER. Once again, this is a blaring, screeching, fingers on the blackboard, annoying sound in a man's ear.

OK, let me explain why. When you use "C" words with a man, "Can you" or "Could you", it actually sounds to him as if you are questioning him ability, his capability, his aptitude to understand the task at hand. So much so that his ego completely shuts out the valid requests you are making, and prepares him to fight for his manhood. "C"s to a man, sound hard and harsh, like C...C...Cut, C...C...Castrate, C...C...Can't get it up!, C.....C..... Can you understand the words that are Coming out of my mouth!

On the other hand, "W"s, such as "will you", or "would you", sounds much less threatening or offensive to him. He is able to drop his guard, put away his ego and receive your request, because it sounds more like you need him and you are depending on him to get a job done. It seems silly, it seems insignificant, but if you don't believe me, ask him if it matters to him. Ask your man, if I'm right. Then share this word of wisdom with another woman in your life.

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and reject any thoughts of jealousy. Set your heart on your spouse and focus on their acheivements.

Pray for His Relationships

Every married couple should have at least two strong believing couples with whom they can share encouragement, strength, and the richness of their lives. Being around such people is edifying, enriching, balancing, and fulfilling, and it helps us keep perspective when things seem to grow out of proportion. Having the positive qualities of other people rub off on us is the best thing for a marriage.

Pray for her Health and Safety

We can never take the safety of our loved ones for granted. Accidents happen suddenly and when we least expect them. It will give your wife the greatest comfort to know you are praying for her safety. It's also important to pray for your wife to have good physical health. Taking care of her body is not easy for a woman. Health decisions and body care can be complicated and confusing. But your prayers will have a positive effect on your wife's ability to hear God about what is right for her.

Marriage Magnets

Look at your marriage relationship like two magnets. When you were dating, you were attracted to your mate because of the thinkgs about them that we opposite of you. The more you try and make them just like you, the less you are attracted to them, and now you lose interest. Go figure...

The Power of a Woman

by Barbara Rainey

I have come out to meet you, to seek your presence earnestly, and I have found you. I have spread my couch with coverings, with colored linens of Egypt.

Proverbs 7:15-16

Few things are more abhorrent to me than seeing women make sexual advances toward married men, either on television or in real life. We should recoil at this kind of behavior. But just because flirtation is often corrupt doesn't mean there's anything wrong with making sexual advances toward one married man -- the one you're already married to.

I believe we can learn something from the powerful woman described in Proverbs 5–7. Although she is an adulteress and would not typically be seen as a positive role model, perhaps there is a pure use of this power when these tactics are directed toward a woman's own husband. For example:

Her lips "drip honey" and are "smoother than oil" (Proverbs 5:3). There was a time during the dating season when gentle, soothing speech came easily. But now in marriage, it's all too easy to gripe and complain. Words are powerful. Use yours well, and you'll melt him like butter.



"She seizes him and kisses him" (Proverbs 7:13). What would be the look on your man's face if, when you first saw him at the end of a day, you grabbed him around the shoulders and really planted one on him? There's not a man alive who wouldn't wonder what you'd had for lunch that day -- and who wouldn't hope you'll have it again tomorrow.



She captures him "with her eyelids" (Proverbs 6:25). We wives can tend to get sloppy with our appearance around the house. That's understandable. But every once in a while, make sure you look good when he comes home. Really good. Use your eyes to engage him. "Capture" him with your physical attractiveness.



A wife who understands her allure as a woman is protecting her husband from temptation. She's like a magnet, drawing him home from the seductions of his day.

She's got power. And she knows how to use it.

Discuss

Wives, find out from your man what would really make his day.

Pray

Pray that God will never let Satan, who knows how to twist it, steal the joy of sexual attraction and romance from you.

Wives:

If your husband is going through a difficult time, carry it in prayer, but don't carry the burden. Even though you may want to, don't try to take away his load and make it yours. That will ultimately leave him feeling weak or like a failure. Besides, God doesn't want you doing His job.

Husbands:

Have you ever seen your wife suffering, but you don't know what to do about it? Some men become impatient with that. Others feel so at a loss or overwhelmed by it that it causes them to withdraw. If you recognize that happening to you ask God to give you a heart of compassion.

Love is Not Rude:

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is completely their own opinion and from their perspective only.

Love is Patient

"Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes."

"It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil."

"Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. It is often an emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives."

"Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination to stay healthy. Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. Few of us do patience well, and none of us do it naturally."

~The Love Dare, Day 1

The Man Rules

At last, a guy has taken the time to write this all down for us

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

(And I must admit, it's really good.)

We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note… these are ALL numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down do you?

1. Sunday sports

It's like the full moon, or the changing of the tides.

Just let it be.

1. Crying is considered blackmail,

and sometimes it can be torture.

1. Ask for what you want…

Let us be very clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes or No…

Are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you already think you're fat, you probably are.

So don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways

and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something

Or tell us how you want it done.

You Do Not Get To Choose both!

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,

Please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

If it can’t be said in 2 minutes, it’s probably not a good time to talk.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions

and neither do we. He didn't find what he thought he was looking for, but at least he found something!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no freakin’ idea what mauve or fuchsia is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"

We will act like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...

Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about

unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports or sex.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this..

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.

Are You Choosing Church Over Your Marriage?

Posted on Essence.com January 20, 2010 9:35 PM


Every now and then when we have a hot topic on our main blog we'll bring it here to Essence.com. This piece, written by BMWK contributor Harriet Hairston received a lot of comments on our site. Check it out.

by Harriet Hairston

Please allow me to caveat this article with the following disclaimer: this is not an attack on churches. It is a real discussion about how some individuals VIEW church, and thus cause what God created as beautiful to turn into a monstrosity. I love the Lord and His people. This article is not designed to discourage anyone from attending and serving in church.

That said:

Sometimes I wonder if church is all it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong: I was raised in the church. Both my husband and I are in love with Jesus Christ, and our marriage is centered around Him. Yet there was a skewed balance for a time that almost tore our marriage apart. The "church" was the other woman that disrupted my time with my husband. It was the sugar daddy that fed into my need for attention and affection. We were both heavily involved in ministry, from music to teaching; small groups to street ministry...we did it all.

But home was a mess! We could barely stand one another's company because of the twisted mindset we had towards ministry:

• We felt like above our tithe, most of our money was supposed to go to the needs of the church.

• If we had a date or family time planned out, and a last minute, poorly planned church project came up; we would drop everything to attend so as to be thought of as "faithful."

• We were more devoted to our relationships with our pastors and leaders than we were to growth in our relationship with one another.

And like sands through the hourglass, these were the days of our lives. It all sounds so sick and twisted. How could such a pure and holy thing be so misconstrued and maligned? I can tell you first hand that it has nothing to do with the four walls of a building, or the teaching and preaching of pastors across the nation. It has everything to do with the mindsets within each person choosing to attend church.

We were associate leaders in the church, but this kind of skewed thinking goes from the pulpit to the back pew. It's all over the news these days: traveling MARRIED musicians getting their choir members pregnant, money laundering, abusive husbands and wives, pimping and pedophilia...you name it, it has been done by leaders who are supposed to be reflecting the love of Christ!

There is a real heaviness that comes over me when I hear about marriages in the church falling apart at such an alarming rate. Whether they are prominent couples in the spotlight or normal couples in the pew, there is an epidemic of divorce within the church-especially the black church. Addiction to the praises of other men, fame, money, prestige, position can truly wreak havoc on a marital relationship.

I can't begin to pinpoint the root of the problem, but I'm sure that disorder about priorities plays a large role in Christian marital failure. Before God created Adam, He created a purpose for Adam. Then He created Eve to SHARE in that purpose. Otherwise, there would have been no need for a woman to ever enter the picture.

To keep this from turning into a Bible study, let me translate that statement. For those married couples that attend church, the order God created was to love:

1. GOD;

2. SPOUSE;

3. FAMILY, then

4. CHURCH.

In fact, marriage was the first institution created by God (in Genesis), long before churches and building projects ever existed (in Acts)!

Yet it remains that there are churches and denominations out there who will say it is OK for a minister to leave his or her spouse for the work of the Lord. How backwards is that? What sense does it make to love the work of God more than the God of the work?

This is for those of you who serve in church, who are leaders of ministry, who go to church every Sunday, or even C.M.E. (Christmas, Mother's Day and Easter) members. Please let the record show that MARRIAGE comes before MINISTRY. Even deeper than that, marriage IS ministry! There is no joy to be had in being a public success but private failure. There is a way to balance it all in God's will, but like anything else, it takes work and commitment.



So, BMWK, how many of you actually go to church and noticed such a vicious pattern? For those of you who do not, have these patterns prevented you from going? What can we do to line our priorities back up in God's original will?

God bless!

~ Harriet